Why GrowingUp-ComingIn

My name is Johanna and this blog is dedicated to the process of growing, changing, learning, and coming to terms with improtant truths. It is about admitting where I have been wrong. Growing Up, I think, speaks for itself. But Coming In refers to my experience of coming home to myself. Allowing my own conscience to guide my beliefs and values, rather than a crowd of comrades or co-conspirators. 

A little about me: I am a mom, a wife, a grad school drop out, a floundering idealist, an increasingly skeptical "vegan". I'm 32, have a 5 year old daughter, and have been married for 6 years. Since getting married I have changed, a lot! And since having a child, I have changed even more! And what has changed may are my values, my beliefs, and my goals.

When I met my husband I was a 24 year old, passionate vegan, on my way to grad school in Political Theory. I was a passionate feminist, an outspoken advocate for every under-represented voice I could find, a loud-mouthed, confident, and egotistical woman. I was brazen, and I was fun. I was sexually unhinged. I wore torn skinny jeans to the club every weekend and danced until closing time. I had a map of my future that was clear - I was going to be a professor, an independent woman, I might even have a child on my own some day. 

Then I met my husband and I fell head over heals. He swept me off my feet with his idealism, his dream-making... as though all his dreams were inevitabilities, not just possibilities.

Months after meeting we moved away together so I could pursue my master's degree, a process that further inflamed my drive for social justice, my anxiety over women's rights... and in the process, degraded my ability to live comfortably as a woman in this society. 

Everyone I spoke to, it seems, was telling me how hard it was to be a woman. How we are scared to walk alone, how most of us are rape victims, how we are weak but also, some how powerful because we identify as women! Everyone I spoke to, it seems, were shouting that men are the problem! White men! Men with power! Men are Trash! 

That perspective started to penetrate my every day life, my respect for my then fiancé, and now husband, deteriorated. My respect for my male colleagues diminished as well. Every part of my life was effected. I struggled to have friendships with people whose values differed from my own. Caught up in a early brand of Cancel Culture, I deleted friends from my social media who shared things with which I disagreed.  

I wrote my MA thesis on gender accessible washrooms at Canadian universities. It was a grueling 2 years, and what I accomplished is not entirely meaningless, though as I grow more I have begun to realize that my passion for gender accessibility was grounded in my long-held desire to be part of the out-crowd - to advocate for the underdog - to fight for the voiceless. 

I dedicated the first 3 years of PhD studies to understanding and analyzing queer theory and radical, trans-inclusive, feminist thought. I truly believed in fighting for freedom of choice and expression in terms of gender and sexuality. 

I still believe this. 

But certain events in the political sphere, and increasingly in my personal life, have shifted the way I see issues of social justice. Something just didn't feel...right. I left academia behind after struggling to gain footing in the Queer Theory space, and radically altered the path my family was taking to that point. That choice changed everything. 

But one good thing came of it. I am looking to my conscience for guidance now. Alongside the sister of my conscience - my reason. 

And so now my life is changing. And a lot of the values I once held dear - the pillars of my identity - are crumbling under the weight of said conscience and reason. 

If you want to follow along on my journey, I welcome you to join me as I follow the path my conscience draws for me. 

Until next time,


Johanna 


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