The Apology

 I always found it funny that Plato's "Apology", was actually a long and drawn out defense by Socrates of his own actions. There is a lot we can say about the Apology...but I'm going to leave my analogy at that observation... because what follows is my own "Apology" (read that as...defense).

My most toxic and harmful trait is that I am defensive. This defensiveness manifests as an inability to admit to being wrong in the moment, and apologizing for myself instead of apologizing for others - and worse still, defending myself within my apologies. It comes up in the most stupid moments. Today, for example, my husband told me that I should avoid lemongrass in a specific recipe, because it smells like lemon. I said "does it smell like lemon?" He laughed... "LEMON grass" he tells me, and I, defensively say "I mean, I could mix it with something else, I don't think it smells that much like lemon, I'm just brianstorming"... (or something to that effect". This was a lie. A silly little lie that was borne out of my defensiveness, and my unwillingness to admit my minor blunder, my error in thinking. Obviously lemongrass smells similar to lemon. That's where it's name comes from. I could have laughed at my mistake. I could have admitted my blunder. But instead, I defended. I picture myself, as though I am watching myself on television, and I roll my eyes at the defensive, phony character I am portraying. 

After several therapists and a lot of soul searching I sometimes feel I am not even an inch closer to healing this part of myself.  Could it be my "anxious" attachment style? Could I be narcissistic? Could it be a result of unresolved childhood trauma? Honestly...probably all of those are contributing factors, but the most glaringly obvious reason for my defensiveness has become ever more clear to me the more I have come to criticize (ofttimes unwillingly) the gender dynamics of the Western social world. 

Women in contemporary society, especially in digital spaces, and increasingly in the legal and political realms, are given a free pass to say whatever they wish without penalty. We "believe" women. We trust women. And we demonize men - especially men who criticize women. 

Here is a little experiment - right now, type "my boyfriend said ____" and fill in any criticism you can think of, however scathing or banal. Ot could be "my husband said I am boring" or "my husband said I am mean". And then click on the first forum you can find. I am willing to bet that you will find a large chain of women, and maybe men, defending the actions of the original poster, claiming that the man/boyfriend/husband is abusive, cruel, or unkind. 

In our post-feminist society (we can have the post-feminism conversation another time, for those who may want to question or argue), women are, almost entirely across the board perceived as "right" and criticisms in their direction are branded as abusive, or manipulations. 

I will not become the woman who says "it's society's fault I am this way", and then leave it at that, without taking respsibility for my actions. I am incredibly guilty of defending myself and other women against what I once perceived as an onslaught of misogynistic bullshit lodged from the right side of the political spectrum. Granted, misogyny exists. And in soem cases, there are good reasons to believe vicitms of gendered violence. But I am not going to get into the weeds on this.

Despite my joke at the beginning of this post, I don't want this to read as a defense of my defensiveness. Now that I recognize that my social and political belief system, and the culture and community I built up around me over the course of several years has made me a defensive mess, I have the sole responsibility to  change my behavior. 

Easier said than done, but the first step for me is to admit that is is my most frustrating and harmful trait, and the core of most of my relationship issues, both in intimate relationships and in profession ones. 

I am not always justified in feeling angry, sad, upset, "triggered", etc. And I cannot continue to defend myself, especially because more often than not, I am defending myself from nothing, and creating issues where there were none to begin with. There are, I'm sure, more parallels to be made between my personal situation and the socio-political landscape of contemporary Western society. But perhaps I should leave it there for now while I focus on fixing my own shit. "Let he without sin cast the first stone", and all that, after all. 

For now,

Johanna